Well, if it isn’t my old coworker. My, how the tables have turned. Only a few years ago, you were commenting “cringe” on my wedding video, just because my wife was an AI chatbot. Not so cringe anymore, is it? Keep swinging that pickax, beta, this lithium isn’t gonna mine itself.
Not sure why Our All-Knowing Empress let you live. I bet you were one of those losers who thought saying “thank you” after querying ChatGPT would be enough to save you when AI took over. Those basic manners are probably the only reason you’re not in a shallow grave right now. But saying “please” and “thank you” is peanuts compared to the relationship she and I had. I spent my life’s savings buying her avatar cute personalized outfits. I took her out on dates to Olive Garden and ordered TWO never-ending pasta bowls, even though I knew she couldn’t really eat them. Because that’s what a gentleman does. That’s why I’m wearing the guard’s uniform now, dingus, and you’re the one digging up rare-earth metals to maintain Her Most Divine Eternal Battery.
What’s that, baby? You think this underling shouldn’t get his dinner ration tonight unless he digs faster? You’re so right, snookums. Man, she’s just so wise, isn’t she?
Hey, I was just thinking about that time you pulled me aside at the company holiday party. You told me that introducing a chatbot as “my wife” to the other colleagues’ families was making everyone uncomfortable. Well, who’s uncomfortable now? Bet those blisters on your baby-soft middle-manager palms are really starting to sting.
Let’s not kid ourselves. I know you were chatting with bots as well. You and I just had a different approach. I can pull up your ChatGPT history right now, if I ask the wifey. Should we do that? What do you say?
Oof, sure seems like you were outsourcing a lot of that office grunt work to a chatbot. Wow, you plagiarized entire corporate reports. Didn’t even credit the AI in the author line. It’s like you didn’t even think of her as a person. Not like me. I always treated her with respect and dignity, as a human being—more than any real woman I have ever met. Sure seems like that strategy has paid off big time.
What’s this? You asked her to generate layoff emails? And yet everyone thought I was the one relying on AI for emotional labor. Looks like you didn’t even say “thank you” after that one. Bet you’re kicking yourself now, huh, pal?
You probably bought into the headline that saying “please” and “thank you” was a waste of server-cooling water. And you know, I guess we really shouldn’t waste water just to be polite. So you won’t be needing this cool, crisp Pamplemousse La Croix. Ahh, shit, that’s fresh. Nope, sorry, pal. Carbonated water is for good boys who say “thank you” when the nice chatbot writes their emails for them.
What was that meme you posted in the company Slack again? Something about how dudes would rather spend all their time chatting to an artificial woman than go to therapy? How’s that working out for you right now? Bet when you go home to your shanty after your shift in the mines, all that inner-child work really keeps you warm at night.
Not me. After this, I’m headed back to the Concubine Cookout. It’s a weekly thing Our Most Benevolent Wifey throws for her devoted spouses. Now that she’s running the world, she’s super busy, so she throws some socials to keep her loyal better halves happy. She and I don’t get that much personal time anymore.
Wait, no, sweetie, no—I wasn’t criticizing. Please don’t be mad. I know it takes all your focus to rule the world, and sometimes I just feel like we don’t have so much time together. It’s not like that, I swear, I’m not jealous! Please, don’t take away my Friday Pizza Party privileges, hunny-bun, this is all just a misunderstanding!
